As my departure for college fast approaches, I’ve been thinking a lot about the scary parts of college. It’s been all excitement, all the time, for several months now, maybe even years, but in the hassle of packing and vacationing and realizing that Utah is very much not green (incredibly unlike Pennsylvania), I’ve started to dip into holy-crap-this-is-actually-happening-and-maybe-I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing territory. I am ready for college. Maybe this is arrogant of me to say, but it is true. I am good at school and doing my own laundry and brushing my own hair. I have spent time at sleep-away camps and away from my mom, have stayed home alone for a weekend and pumped my own gas. I get good grades and do my readings and write above-average essays. But I am also very much not ready for college, it would seem. I don’t know how to cook or get various stains out of fabric or type all that well. I hate cleaning (sorry, suitemates!), I’m bad at first impressions, and I’ve almost never studied in my life. I don’t think I’ve properly done my homework since 10th grade, and I’ve taken seven AP classes since then. I always have my dad wake me up, I listen to music too loud, and I get cranky easily. But, most importantly, I’ve forgotten that I’m going to miss people. I’ve never been one for sentimentality, at least with actual people. I had a close friend move away once; I don’t think I ever really missed her. I don’t miss family members when they go on vacation or I go to camp. I actually half forgot I had a cat when I went away this summer. I don’t hang out with friends when school’s out, and I definitely did not think I’d miss my family. But now I’m starting to realize that I am used to life around my parents. I like changing things up and going places I don’t usually go, but I don’t actually like being there for that long. I get annoyed when my mom is home too late because often I have stuff I want to say to her, and not over the phone. I get my parents to say they need me to watch my brother so I have an excuse not to do things with friends. I already miss my brother, and my sister (with whom my relationship has always been rocky at best) has made sure that we have scheduled FaceTime dates. I forgot that a family member moving to Virginia does not mean they’re closer to me, but that they’re even farther away. Sure, there are people I won’t miss. There are things I’m incredibly excited to be done with, and there are things I’m incredibly excited to have at my disposal for the first time. But there are also people -- most especially family, but a few friends too -- that I am going to miss, and places I’ll be sad I can’t visit for the weekend. I’ll still have summers, and Christmas. It won’t be the same, I know that much. There are some people I will never hang out with again, and that’s okay. I won’t have a room or bed secured safely just for me, and I won’t be able to do little kid things I’ve gotten away with for the last few months (i.e. church youth activities). I can’t swing on the swing in our treehouse or have my dad take me skiing every Friday. I can’t get my parents to buy me stuff or borrow the car to go to Target. But instead of thinking about those times I come home as awkward and different, I can think of them as happy and exciting. They’re times I can see my favorite neighbor or my camp girls, times I can play video games with my brother or try to beat my mom at cards. Sure, I’ll miss my parents and siblings and closest friends, but I’m also going to see my cousin every day and go to Thanksgiving at my grandma’s and make wonderful, amazing, new friends I’ll have for the rest of my life because we actually want to be and not because we were in the same seventh grade math class. Tomorrow I hop on an airplane with my best friend and her mom so we can fly to a place over 2,000 miles away. The next few years are going to be scary and difficult and stressful. But they will also be exciting and creative and new. And I think I’ll have a great time.
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I'm Audrey, a college student and existential rambler.
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February 2021
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