Dear My Second Favorite Seventeen-Year-Old,
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE VALUE OF FRIENDS. Mary Iris Malone taught me that. She taught me a lot of other things too, but that's what I most needed to tell you. Because that's what we both really need to hear: past, present, and future. Love, Audrey xoxo This summer has been a big one for me when it comes to discovering reality, mostly of the spiritual variety. It started at Girls Camp, and continued on Trek, and it's happening even more now.
A big part of this discovery is realizing that I'm not who I think I am, and neither are other people. This is both a blessing and a curse, because some judgements that I make I wish weren't true, and then realize are as false as I hoped they were. But other judgements were positive assumptions, and it breaks my heart when I realize these people aren't as great as I thought they were. I think it's a kind of heartbreak, and maybe the worst kind -- when you break your own heart. When you realize that something is wrong, when you realize that whatever it is has to end, especially when you don't want it to. That's what's going on in my life now, that maybe I'm losing friends or maybe I'm pushing them away or maybe I'm appearing to be so confident in my life that no one ever thinks I might need a little help. That's the problem with being a naturally happy person. No one can ever tell when you're upset. But I am upset. Because as I grow, I realize I have to leave some things behind. And I don't want to. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just a wisp of smoke. Which is okay when I want to be left alone; not so okay when I need someone to hold me, to see me, to help me. xoxo My senior year of high school is starting, and it continues that I am superb at writing about my life but not so good at writing about someone else's. I'm trying to write new worlds, new people, new stories, but I can never seem to create them. Or rather, I can create them -- with great beginnings, and I have no lack of imaginary friends. I lack the words to describe them, to let other people feel the feelings I have when I stand beside them with half-closed eyes. Or maybe I lack the attention span; the only story I've ever finished had a lazy, too-quick ending and made it to "completion" only because it was a graded assignment.
My mom asked me once if I thought I had ADD; I said no, because I didn't. Think so, that is, because now I'm pretty sure I ought to be tested. I daydream and lose focus and stop caring halfway through a word. My brief stint in therapy was a failure; any bettering I did was of my own accord, and all she tried to solve was the petty teenager problems I needed only a session to fix. She moved too slow, never touching what I really needed touched (which, of course, has very little to do with ADD). But here I am, solving my own problems with a network of people who don't really know me. That's the problem with this Internet world. We claim to be judge-free, and yet we all judge. We judge people to be exactly what we want them to be, and in most cases that's like ourselves, but skewed depending on our world- and self-views. What I'm saying here is that the people on the internet -- in places like NERDFIGHTERIA, or even tumblr and twitter -- aren't going to listen to what you have to say, or at least not take your opinions seriously, unless they judge you are greater than them. This bothers me a lot, because there's this idea that on the internet, your voice can be heard and your opinions can matter. But that doesn't happen unless you have thousands of followers or are famous or popular or recognized. It's annoying, because the truth is that I'm highly intelligent with mature opinions and skilled at deep analytical thinking. I have this reputation in real life (although most of the people around never seem to understand), and I want it on the Internet. What I have to say has value, but it's always ignored or invisible, and any plea to get recognition is seen as arrogance or an annoyance. I have a lot of sympathy for those people who beg anyone who will listen to follow them. The people on the Internet will ignore my opinions because they assume that these opinions are not educated. They will ignore my humor because it doesn't make sense to them. They will ignore the important things I have to say because they think that these things are not actually important, or that I'm looking for attention and can get it elsewhere. If I'm looking for that attention where I don't know anybody, I probably can't. They assume that I am just another person living just another life, but that is so, so false. So while I'm being perfectly candid, I must say: I classify myself as a highly interesting person living in an uninteresting realm. I need my voice to be finally heard by those who file me away as "standard," because I am anything but. xoxo Dear Me,
You need to stay more on top of things. Love, Audrey xoxo |
I'm Audrey, a college student and existential rambler.
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