This summer has been a big one for me when it comes to discovering reality, mostly of the spiritual variety. It started at Girls Camp, and continued on Trek, and it's happening even more now.
A big part of this discovery is realizing that I'm not who I think I am, and neither are other people. This is both a blessing and a curse, because some judgements that I make I wish weren't true, and then realize are as false as I hoped they were. But other judgements were positive assumptions, and it breaks my heart when I realize these people aren't as great as I thought they were. I think it's a kind of heartbreak, and maybe the worst kind -- when you break your own heart. When you realize that something is wrong, when you realize that whatever it is has to end, especially when you don't want it to. That's what's going on in my life now, that maybe I'm losing friends or maybe I'm pushing them away or maybe I'm appearing to be so confident in my life that no one ever thinks I might need a little help. That's the problem with being a naturally happy person. No one can ever tell when you're upset. But I am upset. Because as I grow, I realize I have to leave some things behind. And I don't want to. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just a wisp of smoke. Which is okay when I want to be left alone; not so okay when I need someone to hold me, to see me, to help me. xoxo
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I'm Audrey, a college student and existential rambler.
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February 2021
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