As my departure for college fast approaches, I’ve been thinking a lot about the scary parts of college. It’s been all excitement, all the time, for several months now, maybe even years, but in the hassle of packing and vacationing and realizing that Utah is very much not green (incredibly unlike Pennsylvania), I’ve started to dip into holy-crap-this-is-actually-happening-and-maybe-I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing territory. I am ready for college. Maybe this is arrogant of me to say, but it is true. I am good at school and doing my own laundry and brushing my own hair. I have spent time at sleep-away camps and away from my mom, have stayed home alone for a weekend and pumped my own gas. I get good grades and do my readings and write above-average essays. But I am also very much not ready for college, it would seem. I don’t know how to cook or get various stains out of fabric or type all that well. I hate cleaning (sorry, suitemates!), I’m bad at first impressions, and I’ve almost never studied in my life. I don’t think I’ve properly done my homework since 10th grade, and I’ve taken seven AP classes since then. I always have my dad wake me up, I listen to music too loud, and I get cranky easily. But, most importantly, I’ve forgotten that I’m going to miss people.
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I finally have my own laptop, and so I'm going to make it a goal to write more, because it's easier now. So, attempt number one. In the last couple years I've discovered my capability for empathy. It's almost like I'm the Grinch, and my heart grew much, much bigger than I was used to. And that sounds great and all, but there's a MASSIVE side effect of that: I don't know how to care about people. All of a sudden, people turn to me for help. They turn to me when they feel pain or betrayed or lonely. I love that they trust me enough, and I care about them enough that I genuinely want to help them (even going so far as to never be able to think about anything else, hence the blog post). However, I don't know how to comfort people. I don't know what to do when my friend is crying or how to tell someone that I'm always going to be there for them. I don't know how to be appropriately sentimental. I spent so long not being emotional that I don't know how to do it correctly. Is there a right way to be emotional and empathetic? Or is it just one of those things you can feel your way through?
I've been thinking about this a lot lately: I can fully and wholeheartedly appreciate and respect a person who sacrifices their own interests or well-being to be nice to someone else. If you sacrifice your time to help someone, I respect you. If you go out of your way to be kind, I respect you. If you're nice to someone even when it's clear you don't want to be, I respect you. If you give up something of your own to make someone happy, I respect you. That's all you have to do. And I want to thank anyone who has ever done that, especially if you did it for me. Thank you. I'm sure I don't always deserve it, but you've done it anyway, and that's all that matters. You loved thy neighbor and comforted those who stood in need of comfort. You were as Christlike as you could be, and that's all you need to do to gain my respect. Thank you.
A REALLY ROTTEN REVIEW OF THE AWAKENING |
I'm Audrey, a college student and existential rambler.
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